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Eagle Rock Man Sues Papa John’s for Cock Blocking

28 Dec
Please allow for a substantial cooling period before mounting pizza.

Papa John’s Pizza, voted number one in every taste test tallied in reverse order.

Eagle Rock, CA–A Local man retained legal counsel and filed suit against Papa John’s Pizza LLC for preventing him from consummating a sexual rendezvous at his home a month ago last Wednesday night.

The twenty-six year old was more than agitated when relating his side of the fornication near miss.

“It’s been three years since I’ve had sex, and there I am in the heat of the moment, ripping open the Durex when the doorbell rings!” said Nicolas Santos of Eagle Rock. “I placed the order for a large Hawaiian with extra cheese only fifteen minutes before, and they said it would take a minimum of forty-five minutes to be delivered. I’m no casanova, this was a huge moment for me!”

The owner of the Eagle Rock Papa John’s location in question was puzzled as to why a customer would be upset that a large Hawaiian pizza with extra cheese arrived thirty minutes early.

“We’ve always received compliments on our quick delivery in the past. I really can’t relate to the guy filing a lawsuit over not being able to close the deal in his own bedroom,” said Papa John’s franchise owner Dominic Bautista. “I can offer him a free large Hawaiian next time he orders from us, but not getting laid is his own issue. No one forced him to answer the door . . . You gonna order something or what?”

By Santos’s own admission, his date for the night, who only wishes to be identified as “Emily,” did seem to be more into the pizza than the idea of sex once the delivery driver arrived, and was initially reluctant to visit Nicholas’s apartment.

iggy-azalea-papa-johns

Pizza + an ass-centric female rapper on repeat= Nicolas blew a legitimate home field advantage.

“We met for coffee a couple of times, and she seemed to like me. Touched my left arm throughout the first and second coffee dates. I had the whole night planned out, I was going to order her favorite pizza and we would watch whatever she wanted on Netflix. I finally got her to accept my invitation, but she seemed sort of distant, maybe upset about something. She started kissing me out of nowhere after I placed the order for the large Hawaiian . . . the stage was set, I cranked up the Iggy Azalea and we both got naked,” said Nick giving a large box of neon Durex condoms on his kitchen counter the thousand yard stare.

An independent computer repair specialist by trade, Nicolas claimed that his last sexual encounter was with a flight attendant he met while flying to a “computer convention” in San Diego. When pressed as to why he flew to San Diego when it’s only a ninety minute drive from L.A., he replied that his Chevy Corsica had been stolen the night before the event. Without being asked, Nick insisted he used to be connected to the woman on Facebook, but that she had deleted her account and he couldn’t recall her name or what airline employed her.

Reporter played keep away from Nick using this photo as bait.

Reporter played keep away from Nick for ten minutes using this stewardess photo as bait.

“I’m serious, she was beautiful. I was tempted to move to Albuquerque, just for the chance that she might sleep with me a couple more times,” Nicolas said. “She kept saying she wished I could take a look at her Dell laptop. It really happened, stop laughing!”

“This is a unique case,” said Montrose attorney Tomas Mendoza, “My client was given a minimum arrival time for his pizza order. Papa John’s broke this verbal contract by arriving more than thirty minutes early, thus interrupting a very rare occasion for my client, the sensual act of physical love. After consuming more than half the pizza, his date felt bloated and the mood was completely ruined for her. Essentially, we have a solid case for this merchant unrepentantly cockblocking my client. We’re asking for pain and suffering and punitive damages, as my client let more than one potential job go by the wayside during the ensuing depression he went through. He has not found any potential sex partners since, and his date on the night in question has not returned his phone calls.”

The jpeg Nick Juarez recently uploaded to several online dating sites.

The jpeg Nicolas Santos recently uploaded to several online dating sites for virgins.

Just before press time “Emily” offered her take on the whole matter.

“That night I was going through a phase where I decided I wasn’t going to sleep with men I was attracted to on account of them always turning out to be flaky bastards. Nicolas seems like a nice guy, but I would definitely like to thank Papa John’s for showing up when they did. I ended up getting dressed and scarfing down six slices of the Hawaiian and bailing on Nick when he was in the bathroom. The last thing I need is a clingy guy who I just devirginized stalking me, especially a guy who has “White Peach Chardonnay” hand soap on his bathroom sink  . . . Think you can convince him to lose my number?”

Because everyone needs hands that smell of Skittles whilst masturbating.

Because everyone needs hands that smell of Skittles whilst masturbating.

 

 

 

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English Professor Arrested at Bar for Breaking and Entering

25 Jun
BB

Late afternoon mating rituals abound on Colorado Boulevard during happy hour.

PASADENA, CA─A Pasadena City College professor was arrested on Tuesday morning for breaking and entering at Barney’s Beanery on Colorado Boulevard. Pasadena PD reported that Juan Ureno drilled through the lock of a rear entrance, and was found passed out behind the bar in a large pile of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. Ureno had been ejected from Barney’s the previous evening for harassing other patrons with unwanted conversation and grandiose braggadocio.

“Professor Ureno usually comes in on Monday nights and mostly keeps to himself,” said Barney’s manager Lawrence Morris. “Something was up with him last night. He kept waving a paperback around insisting that other customers read passages from it. It was just weird. We had to get his ass out of here before he started a fight. I made sure he did not reenter the premises, despite the sorry-ass spin moves he used out on the sidewalk. Grandiose mother fucker.”

A Harvard man of letters not once meets a locked door as long as he lives.

A Harvard man of letters knows only unlocked doors the world over.

A staffer in the PCC English Department went on the record anonymously to shed some light on the previous night’s events, “Monday afternoon he was passed over for the department chair position. He went ballistic at our department meeting saying that he was ‘the only Harvard man on campus,’ and that his penis was the biggest in the building. He said that his publication record spoke for itself. Though he does have an extensive publication record with Mad Magazine, it’s not enough, not exactly department chair material, unfortunately. He spoke passionately of his lofty position in the Pasadena Grammarian Society and how his students ate out of his hand every semester, but it was all in vain. Someone once told me that Ureno wallpapered his bathroom with his own Mad Magazine cover art, glad I never saw that firsthand.”

Police confirmed that the paperback Ureno was waving around at the bar Monday night was found on his person Tuesday morning. The Professor’s love of literature seemed to have gotten the best of him during the early morning incident as he was found with his pants around his ankles.

“Mr. Ureno appears to have enjoyed coitus with his book. The book was sent to the crime lab for confirmation, but conventional wisdom says this is a case of a middle-aged man fornicating with a paperback copy of A Confederacy of Dunces, until completion,” said Pasadena Police Department spokesperson Calvin Gleason.

Fornicating with literature is akin to thrusting ones schlong into hot lava.

Fornicating with literature is akin to thrusting ones schlong into hot lava, homes.

Barney’s busboy Rogelio Montalban of Altadena was cleaning tables Monday night when the commotion began at the main bar near his section. “He was telling people their perversions were exposed in the pages of his book, and that’s why he wanted them to read it out loud. He walked around saying that Brooke Shields was going to meet him that night, and that Harvard men always get the finest women. As we threw him out he was screaming something about apostrophes and commas. And now he breaks in and pipes his book on the floor I have to mop. What a fucking guy, right?”

Barney’s patron Rod Belding of Pasadena took offense to Ureno’s boasting. “It was funny at first, he boasted that he was going to meet Brooke Shields for a rendezvous, but it got old after he started going into detail about how the novel he had with him was worth more than anything I’d ever accomplish in my entire lifetime.”

Lots of free time afforded us the opportunity to look into Ureno’s academic past, which revealed he was indeed a Harvard graduate, earning a B.A. in English Lit. His lengthy senior thesis was titled “Brooke Shields: the allegorical embodiment of Western female sexuality.” Though his paper set him apart from his peers, the thesis was initially rejected by the English department’s review committee as “lewd grandstanding.” Ultimately the paper was approved due to strong chapters concerning an international spike in onanism inspired by love scenes in The Blue Lagoon. He later earned a master’s degree in American Literature from Stanford, where his thesis was titled “Brooke Shields: the saucy heroine postmodern literature lacked.” Click on the photo below to enjoy Ureno’s thirty second “music video” tribute to his favorite actress.

Brooke Shields is Aphrodite

The legs that launched a billion 7th grade length showers.–Juan Ureno, Harvard

 

Once he posted bond Tuesday afternoon, Juan Ureno began the long walk back to his two bedroom walk-up on California BLVD near Caltech.

“Barney’s Beanery: Pasadena, CA is written above the bar on the mirror in gold paint. But there’s no apostrophe after the Y in Barney’s and no comma after Pasadena,” said Ureno. “I pay for my drinks and tip very well on Monday nights. While doing so I have to stare at that lazy, ignorant bullshit up on the mirror. In America, the consumer is king, and I expect Barney’s to implement proper punctuation at once!”

Ureno scoffed when asked about Brooke Shields, “Who do you think wired me the money for bail, comrade? She owes me big time. Critical theory about jerking off to that New York debutante was non-existent before I came along!”

“Professor Ureno will have his day in court, charges have been pressed, and hopefully next time he’ll think twice before masturbating on private property, especially using a Pulitzer Prize winning paperback and a publicity photo of Brooke Shields as inspiration,” said Gleason. “For the record, the Professor was also in possession of two over-sized golden commas, or two apostrophes, either way. If anyone witnesses any more lewd behavior from Juan Ureno please call me in the basement evidence room of the Pasadena Police Department.”

Grammarian patrons should be given editorial freedom at local tavernas.

Headed by Juan Ureno, the Pasadena Grammarian Society has offered a reward for installing punctuation on this mirror.

Dinner Party Guest Takes Shower During Main Course

11 May

PASADENA, CA─Hosts of a local dinner party were surprised to find one of their guests taking a shower without asking during the main course. The faux pas was not immediately discovered as there were more than twenty guests in attendance, and conversation at the large dining table was not without raucous laughter and animated stories about inner tubing the sand dunes of Idaho.

Shower Mon

The freedom of showering with the curtain pulled back is beyond orgasmic.

“I think like fifteen minutes went by after he left the table. I was worried the hor d’oeuvres had made him sick,” said hostess Nicole Chandler. “So I went upstairs to check and I heard him cursing in the shower. I came back to the table and everyone already heard the water running, people were in disbelief. Total weirdo move, right? Complete idiot. We’re not in college anymore, grow up and stop playing the stooge.”

In actuality the hostess had descended her staircase, interrupted someone’s story about trying three-card-monte in London, and announced that Darby was showering upstairs. This news was met with a mixture of blank stares and a few others saying “what the fuck” in unison.

On Arroyo just in case you want a diuretic right before a crowded dinner party.

On Arroyo just in case you want a diuretic right before a crowded dinner party.

Before excusing himself, local entrepreneur Braberius Darby 32, was embroiled in a debate about whether or not USC would return to the Rose Bowl game during the next half-decade, and was heard muttering something about UC Berkeley grads being “god-damned snobs” as he excused himself from the table by saying “the john” out loud to no one in particular.

Host Stephen Carlson claimed he was not surprised, despite the strong sense of surprise in his home. “We went to college together. He did random shit all the time. Whatever, he’s a strange dude. He used to blow off class to plan campus pranks. Total lightweight drinker and smoker, too.”

The man in question, Darby of South Pasadena, seemed to regret showering upstairs and feared his future social calendar might suffer because of the incident. “I totally wasn’t fucking around this time,” he whispered sheepishly, standing next to the mantel and peering over the top of a whisky  tumbler. “Susan is a sub-par cook, so I devoured some King Taco before I arrived. I had no clue Chandler had catered in Italian tonight. The burrito was a big mistake, mon.”

Maserati: for the mid-six figures earner who happens to have an inverted penis.

Maserati: for the mid-six figures earner who happens to have an inverted penis.

Guest Claire Van Owen, a San Pedro veterinarian, offered her opinion, “Darby’s a jackass. He took me to dinner once during our mid-twenties. I reserved a table while he went to find parking because he wouldn’t valet his precious El Camino. I’m waiting with my menu for like 30 minutes, of course I had left my phone in his car. I go outside and he’s hiding across the street in some bushes waving at me. He hit a parked Maserati and drove off like an idiot ’cause he didn’t want his insurance to go up. He didn’t even have the presence of mind to sneak back into the restaurant to get me. Not a terrible guy, just sort of an idiot. Glad it happened, if the date had gone well I might have slept with him.”

Before everyone gathered around the table to eat, Darby was also said to be acting bizarre and taking impromptu polls about who might want to dance if the hostess could be coerced into playing some “proper jams.” He even asked one guest if they wanted to invest in his latest business venture, renting sets of theme costumes to people throwing “Who Dunnit Orgies.”

“I told him to shut up and have a drink. Talk business with the men, meet one of the single girls, stop bothering me–I’m throwing a party here. He even wanted to log onto his Spotify account and play songs over the surround sound system so people would dance. I told him no,” said Nicole the hostess. She added “I kept dreading he was going to go start taking shots and try to do the worm on the carpet. That was my new year’s party four years ago. Totally mortifying,” said Nicole Chandler.

 

The upstairs bathroom appears to be an alternate dimension. A dimension where taking an

The upstairs bathroom is a dimension where taking an “upper deck” is nearly impossible.

Despite everyone at the party knowing about his shower, Darby continually denied that anything took place in the upstairs bathroom with the chain-pull toilet. Fellow guests politely avoided him during a post dinner billiards game, and an impromptu wine tasting in the study’s fully restored conversation pit.

Darby then loitered by the mantel just off the main foyer, trying to subtly rejoin the group, first by chatting up an available paralegal from Alhambra about his personal record for consecutive free-throws made. And then by mistiming his canned laughter trying to blend in with the outskirts of the crowd. He didn’t make a splash liked he had planned to earlier in the evening, when he plotted his moves whilst taking a shower at his own home.

“Totally unplanned, that burrito was coming out no matter what, and I had to bolt upstairs through the kitchen. It was so bad TP wasn’t going to cut it. I realized that pretty quickly. If I didn’t shower I would have just ghosted out the back door. Without the shower there’s no way I’m salvaging the night. Now everyone’s acting like I’m screwing around. The universe avoids my advances tonight, mon. I should probably run out and grab the Chandlers a bottle of wine as a secret apology.”

At press time Darby had not yet managed to get any phone numbers, business cards, or even affirmative responses to his conversational offerings on sports, barbecue, investing, or his medieval puns.

“Showering without saying something is just the way Darby rolls. As long as he didn’t mess with the toilet up there, it’s all good,” said Stephen Chandler. “I like having wild card/borderline idiot friends around sometimes. It keeps things loose.”

Mantel

The mantel, where off-the-charts charisma has been ignored for centuries.

The hostess had tried to leave Darby off the invite list, but her husband insisted he be included. She then conceded that he would probably be invited to their next dinner party as well. And that in the last year Darby had at least departed when the crowd started to thin out, as opposed to his old tradition of having Last Guy to Leave the Party syndrome.