Tag Archives: Pappa John’s Pizza

Eagle Rock Man Sues Papa John’s for Cock Blocking

28 Dec
Please allow for a substantial cooling period before mounting pizza.

Papa John’s Pizza, voted number one in every taste test tallied in reverse order.

Eagle Rock, CA–A Local man retained legal counsel and filed suit against Papa John’s Pizza LLC for preventing him from consummating a sexual rendezvous at his home a month ago last Wednesday night.

The twenty-six year old was more than agitated when relating his side of the fornication near miss.

“It’s been three years since I’ve had sex, and there I am in the heat of the moment, ripping open the Durex when the doorbell rings!” said Nicolas Santos of Eagle Rock. “I placed the order for a large Hawaiian with extra cheese only fifteen minutes before, and they said it would take a minimum of forty-five minutes to be delivered. I’m no casanova, this was a huge moment for me!”

The owner of the Eagle Rock Papa John’s location in question was puzzled as to why a customer would be upset that a large Hawaiian pizza with extra cheese arrived thirty minutes early.

“We’ve always received compliments on our quick delivery in the past. I really can’t relate to the guy filing a lawsuit over not being able to close the deal in his own bedroom,” said Papa John’s franchise owner Dominic Bautista. “I can offer him a free large Hawaiian next time he orders from us, but not getting laid is his own issue. No one forced him to answer the door . . . You gonna order something or what?”

By Santos’s own admission, his date for the night, who only wishes to be identified as “Emily,” did seem to be more into the pizza than the idea of sex once the delivery driver arrived, and was initially reluctant to visit Nicholas’s apartment.


Pizza + an ass-centric female rapper on repeat= Nicolas blew a legitimate home field advantage.

“We met for coffee a couple of times, and she seemed to like me. Touched my left arm throughout the first and second coffee dates. I had the whole night planned out, I was going to order her favorite pizza and we would watch whatever she wanted on Netflix. I finally got her to accept my invitation, but she seemed sort of distant, maybe upset about something. She started kissing me out of nowhere after I placed the order for the large Hawaiian . . . the stage was set, I cranked up the Iggy Azalea and we both got naked,” said Nick giving a large box of neon Durex condoms on his kitchen counter the thousand yard stare.

An independent computer repair specialist by trade, Nicolas claimed that his last sexual encounter was with a flight attendant he met while flying to a “computer convention” in San Diego. When pressed as to why he flew to San Diego when it’s only a ninety minute drive from L.A., he replied that his Chevy Corsica had been stolen the night before the event. Without being asked, Nick insisted he used to be connected to the woman on Facebook, but that she had deleted her account and he couldn’t recall her name or what airline employed her.

Reporter played keep away from Nick using this photo as bait.

Reporter played keep away from Nick for ten minutes using this stewardess photo as bait.

“I’m serious, she was beautiful. I was tempted to move to Albuquerque, just for the chance that she might sleep with me a couple more times,” Nicolas said. “She kept saying she wished I could take a look at her Dell laptop. It really happened, stop laughing!”

“This is a unique case,” said Montrose attorney Tomas Mendoza, “My client was given a minimum arrival time for his pizza order. Papa John’s broke this verbal contract by arriving more than thirty minutes early, thus interrupting a very rare occasion for my client, the sensual act of physical love. After consuming more than half the pizza, his date felt bloated and the mood was completely ruined for her. Essentially, we have a solid case for this merchant unrepentantly cockblocking my client. We’re asking for pain and suffering and punitive damages, as my client let more than one potential job go by the wayside during the ensuing depression he went through. He has not found any potential sex partners since, and his date on the night in question has not returned his phone calls.”

The jpeg Nick Juarez recently uploaded to several online dating sites.

The jpeg Nicolas Santos recently uploaded to several online dating sites for virgins.

Just before press time “Emily” offered her take on the whole matter.

“That night I was going through a phase where I decided I wasn’t going to sleep with men I was attracted to on account of them always turning out to be flaky bastards. Nicolas seems like a nice guy, but I would definitely like to thank Papa John’s for showing up when they did. I ended up getting dressed and scarfing down six slices of the Hawaiian and bailing on Nick when he was in the bathroom. The last thing I need is a clingy guy who I just devirginized stalking me, especially a guy who has “White Peach Chardonnay” hand soap on his bathroom sink  . . . Think you can convince him to lose my number?”

Because everyone needs hands that smell of Skittles whilst masturbating.

Because everyone needs hands that smell of Skittles whilst masturbating.