Late afternoon mating rituals abound on Colorado Boulevard during happy hour.
PASADENA, CA─A Pasadena City College professor was arrested on Tuesday morning for breaking and entering at Barney’s Beanery on Colorado Boulevard. Pasadena PD reported that Juan Ureno drilled through the lock of a rear entrance, and was found passed out behind the bar in a large pile of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans. Ureno had been ejected from Barney’s the previous evening for harassing other patrons with unwanted conversation and grandiose braggadocio.
“Professor Ureno usually comes in on Monday nights and mostly keeps to himself,” said Barney’s manager Lawrence Morris. “Something was up with him last night. He kept waving a paperback around insisting that other customers read passages from it. It was just weird. We had to get his ass out of here before he started a fight. I made sure he did not reenter the premises, despite the sorry-ass spin moves he used out on the sidewalk. Grandiose mother fucker.”
A Harvard man of letters knows only unlocked doors the world over.
A staffer in the PCC English Department went on the record anonymously to shed some light on the previous night’s events, “Monday afternoon he was passed over for the department chair position. He went ballistic at our department meeting saying that he was ‘the only Harvard man on campus,’ and that his penis was the biggest in the building. He said that his publication record spoke for itself. Though he does have an extensive publication record with Mad Magazine, it’s not enough, not exactly department chair material, unfortunately. He spoke passionately of his lofty position in the Pasadena Grammarian Society and how his students ate out of his hand every semester, but it was all in vain. Someone once told me that Ureno wallpapered his bathroom with his own Mad Magazine cover art, glad I never saw that firsthand.”
Police confirmed that the paperback Ureno was waving around at the bar Monday night was found on his person Tuesday morning. The Professor’s love of literature seemed to have gotten the best of him during the early morning incident as he was found with his pants around his ankles.
“Mr. Ureno appears to have enjoyed coitus with his book. The book was sent to the crime lab for confirmation, but conventional wisdom says this is a case of a middle-aged man fornicating with a paperback copy of A Confederacy of Dunces, until completion,” said Pasadena Police Department spokesperson Calvin Gleason.
Fornicating with literature is akin to thrusting ones schlong into hot lava, homes.
Barney’s busboy Rogelio Montalban of Altadena was cleaning tables Monday night when the commotion began at the main bar near his section. “He was telling people their perversions were exposed in the pages of his book, and that’s why he wanted them to read it out loud. He walked around saying that Brooke Shields was going to meet him that night, and that Harvard men always get the finest women. As we threw him out he was screaming something about apostrophes and commas. And now he breaks in and pipes his book on the floor I have to mop. What a fucking guy, right?”
Barney’s patron Rod Belding of Pasadena took offense to Ureno’s boasting. “It was funny at first, he boasted that he was going to meet Brooke Shields for a rendezvous, but it got old after he started going into detail about how the novel he had with him was worth more than anything I’d ever accomplish in my entire lifetime.”
Lots of free time afforded us the opportunity to look into Ureno’s academic past, which revealed he was indeed a Harvard graduate, earning a B.A. in English Lit. His lengthy senior thesis was titled “Brooke Shields: the allegorical embodiment of Western female sexuality.” Though his paper set him apart from his peers, the thesis was initially rejected by the English department’s review committee as “lewd grandstanding.” Ultimately the paper was approved due to strong chapters concerning an international spike in onanism inspired by love scenes in The Blue Lagoon. He later earned a master’s degree in American Literature from Stanford, where his thesis was titled “Brooke Shields: the saucy heroine postmodern literature lacked.” Click on the photo below to enjoy Ureno’s thirty second “music video” tribute to his favorite actress.
The legs that launched a billion 7th grade length showers.–Juan Ureno, Harvard
Once he posted bond Tuesday afternoon, Juan Ureno began the long walk back to his two bedroom walk-up on California BLVD near Caltech.
“Barney’s Beanery: Pasadena, CA is written above the bar on the mirror in gold paint. But there’s no apostrophe after the Y in Barney’s and no comma after Pasadena,” said Ureno. “I pay for my drinks and tip very well on Monday nights. While doing so I have to stare at that lazy, ignorant bullshit up on the mirror. In America, the consumer is king, and I expect Barney’s to implement proper punctuation at once!”
Ureno scoffed when asked about Brooke Shields, “Who do you think wired me the money for bail, comrade? She owes me big time. Critical theory about jerking off to that New York debutante was non-existent before I came along!”
“Professor Ureno will have his day in court, charges have been pressed, and hopefully next time he’ll think twice before masturbating on private property, especially using a Pulitzer Prize winning paperback and a publicity photo of Brooke Shields as inspiration,” said Gleason. “For the record, the Professor was also in possession of two over-sized golden commas, or two apostrophes, either way. If anyone witnesses any more lewd behavior from Juan Ureno please call me in the basement evidence room of the Pasadena Police Department.”
Headed by Juan Ureno, the Pasadena Grammarian Society has offered a reward for installing punctuation on this mirror.
The Basement of my Mind 