Peeping Tom Prefers HBO Over Live Nudes

5 Nov
Peeping Tom Scary

You there! Dance like the peeping tom of your dreams is watching.

Encino, CA–A once mondo-horny peeping tom has recently turned over a new leaf in the San Fernando Valley. For years Alphonse satiated his sexual impulses by leering through shower windows and into the bedrooms of unsuspecting fornicators. Eventually the thrill of spying a bare thigh, breast, or derriere began to wane as his tastes shifted towards dramedies and period pieces. These days find Alphonse cutting corners on his monthly entertainment bills by watching HBO for free, peeping over-the-shoulders of unsuspecting homeowners who have no idea he’s squatting in their bushes.

Skinemax’s pioneering origins go back to a basement in 1950s Reseda.

“I once lived for the thrill of pocket pool in the bushes. Now I’ve found a different medium altogether for my voyeuristic proclivities,” said Alphonse while adjusting the collar of his trenchcoat. “One of the couples I perved on got a satellite package with all the movie channels. It got to the point where I would move on if they were having sex.”

Though initially a sucker for Cinemax’s late-night delights, his tastes in the smut medium has evolved over time. “Skinemax initially helped me transition away from hardcore porn to softcore vignettes. But the plots hooked me more than the fake sex, and the plots generally sucked. So instead I started watching over the shoulder of a couple who watched HBO by the light of the moon. That’s when I discovered movies like  Zapped with Scott Baio, Revenge of the Nerds, Animal House and the like. I love the comedic brilliance along with the liberal nudity of such films.”

Zapped movie

“Buddy Lembeck” pursues sex with a cheerleader in Zapped on Home Box Office.

Through years of perfecting his voyeurism with expert subtlety, Alphonse prefers the giant boxwood trees for cover when plying his one-handed trade. He says he’s known too many guys (and even two women) who were caught by homeowners, passersby, stray dogs, and law enforcement–occasionally all at once. Boxwood trees are often planted by homeowners with privacy in mind, and Alphonse is all for discretion.

“I knew a guy, I’ll call him “Richard,” he let his love of voyeurism drive him off a pervert’s cliff. He was arrested for shoplifting at some of the adult bookstores in NoHo. Some claim he was thrown in county jail for indecent exposure, but I don’t want to believe it. At one point he cut all the crotches out of his pants.”

Revenge of the Nerds

This panty raid is considered the high-water-mark for voyeurism in American cinema.

Though Alphonse has occasionally seen those he lurks after in public outside their homes, and fully clothed, it’s never a social affair. He has yet to conquer his chronic shyness when confronted with such ice-breaking opportunities. Upon first glance, one must wonder if he has anyone at all in the CONTACTS section of his Motorola Razr.

Snowman Topiary

At night there’s nothing better between you and the neighborhood watch than a boxwood snowman.

“I’ve never tried to approach any of my uh . . . research subjects. I can’t go from watching people make love to asking them if they think Carmella and Tony are ever going to make up and bury the hatchet, you know? It would feel strange to befriend someone who unknowingly serves as my primary source of erotic entertainment.”

Tony Soprano

Alphonse has fared poorly trying to approach his favorite HBO actors.

Citing edge-of-your-seat conflicts, dynamic characters across the board, and lots of realistic sex and attractive nudity, “Alphonse” expressed that HBO has consistently outpaced rival premium cable channels like Starz, Cine-latino, Turner Classics, and Showtime when it comes to original programming.

“Ultimately, saving money on a satellite bill may allow me to buy a nice spyglass or telescope. I’m not getting any younger and hiding in the shrubs to catch a glimpse of bare flesh may soon take a back seat to doing it with a telescope on my roof. Or maybe in a year or so I will invest in my first drone . . . though it’s tough to catch people enjoying a matinee with the windows open these days. I have heard that backyard sunbathing in the buff has never gone out of style.”

Bluto Peeps

Bluto: an inspiration to peeps everywhere.

 

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