Tag Archives: murder

Local Toddler only Suspect in Duplo Slayings

28 Apr

FOXBOROUGH, MASS─A local toddler is under investigation for the possible murder of an entire Lego Duplo family. The Foxborough twenty-month old had been seen with the Duplo family on multiple occasions recently, though they had not all traveled together outside the home since the time the child threw up at the Trader Joe’s. Early interviews with the child have proved to be inconclusive at best, and the investigation is “semi-ongoing” according to Foxborough PD representatives.

An entire Duplo “Caucasian Fam-bam,” by Lego, has not been seen since last week.

“When asked about the Duplo family’s whereabouts since last Tuesday, the suspect in question usually responded with “Where they go?” holding her arms to the side in the universal symbol for uncertainty. We asked her about the Duplo children and she responded with “they’re two. Two babies,” when it’s clear from the picture on the Lego box there’s only one Duplo baby and two older children. We found some severed limbs. The Duplo grandfather’s limbs. The Duplo grandmother’s hair. Things are not promising for the rest of the Duplo family as more time continues to pass. Our suspect has at times avoided our questions and began referring to her father as the cookie monster, and then laughing uncontrollably for minutes at a time. However, this wasn’t an incoherent statement as her father was in fact eating Mother’s circus animal cookies at the time.

Later I nearly had to un-holster my tazer when I suggested to the mother that we continue the questioning down at the station. She went ballistic, so maybe we should start looking at this situation from different angles, I haven’t decided. I clearly heard the mother say something to the effect of ‘”I’m sick of stepping on those fucking things in the dark anyhow. Get out of my house, you jack asses!”‘ Several times we had to reassure the parents that we were in fact with the Foxborough PD. They were finally convinced when the father was able to compare our badges to a plastic one he had used last Halloween,” said Foxborough PD spokesperson Calvin Gleason in an official statement.

The actual police SUV that was on the scene first, but also left first before the others.

Not the actual police vehicle that visited the Lane family. But it’s driven by their home before on the way to a bust.

“There’s got to be some explanation; the Duplo father always looked sort of unhinged to me. Wearing a tie, shoes that are molded into his legs,” said Barnett Lane, the toddler’s father. “Maybe he’s the one to look at in this whole scenario. My daughter seemed to favor the Duplo farm animals from the beginning, but I don’t think she’s directly responsible here. Doesn’t make sense that the police have come around for missing toys that we own, but I don’t want to cause a scene. We’ve only lived on this street a year and the neighbors are already standoffish for no reason. I made the mistake of wearing a Steelers t-shirt to do yard work last summer, big deal, right?

If she’s guilty I don’t think she’d have to do a work camp or anything. Though if she did it might give the wife and I a chance to catch up, so to speak. Being new parents cuts into the carnal side of life, big time.”

The toddler’s mother refused to go on the record, but was certainly against the child leaving the premises “over my dead-fucking-body.” When asked if she would retain legal counsel, she responded with “What paper are you from? Get the fuck off our property!”

Reports say the Lane’s daughter had been seen at a neighbor’s house acting suspicious around their Duplo toys, but nothing had been confirmed at press time. Gleason went on about the serious responsibility the public has in such cases.

Bashful baby girl

Cute? Perhaps. Calculating and sinister? Exact-a-mundo, playa!

“As law enforcement, our job is to make sure criminals are off the street, but maybe we can also identify future homicidal maniacs and get them the help they need before childhood curiosities became full-blown rampages. At this time we ask the public to keep an eye out for this little girl if she’s snooping around Duplo toys of any kind, and pay close attention if she ever happens to have any pieces from a “Caucasian Fam-bam” Duplo set on her person for any reason. Obviously she’s a minor, we won’t be releasing the child’s name, but this photo should help the public keep an eye out at their homes, yards, and of course public parks and toy stores. Contact me directly at the evidence desk in the basement of the Foxborough department. ”

All leads or hearsay should be forwarded to Calvin Gleason at the station on Chestnut Street. Gleason would appreciate the opportunity to show his superiors any and all initiative/progress, that he can use to bolster what he expects to be his middling score on the upcoming detective exam.

“I still don’t understand what the big deal is,” said Lane. “When I was a kid I used to melt my toys with a magnifying glass while chanting phrases I memorized from a library book on the occult . . . And I grew up to be a CPA! I mean the police drop by unannounced right before we’re headed out the door for dinner, that’s effing entrapment! I stand by my daughter, though I can’t seem to find my magnifying glass anywhere.”